i still need a cigarette.. badly. i somehow got a feeling that there's so such thing as "cutting down on smoking". its either u're a smoker or a non-smoker. once there's nicotine in ur body, ur body will just want more and more of it. so i think its just the matter of letting ur body get used to not having it. only then will the cravings go away. or at least thats what i hope will happen cos i dont think i can go on longing for a puff every minute, every hour of every day for the rest of my life.. *aarrgghhhhhhhhhhh*

i need a cigarette.. i don't know whether its cos i've been pretty down lately, or issit just a cycle that my body goes thru - needing more nicotine than 1 stick can offer every few weeks or so. just when i thought i was doing fine just a few days ago, and was actually contemplating if i should move on to completely not smoking when all of a sudden its back with a vengeance. *sigh*

i'm actually feeling my will power to continue this struggle fading.. i'm just so sick of fighting it that sometimes i just find myself thinking "whatever, i just don't wanna feel this way anymore.."

hmmmmm.. reading back what i just wrote, i can't help but to wonder what exactly am i trying to get at? issit just as simple as a statement refering to my trying not to smoke or is there something that my subconscious mind's trying to tell me..?

fuck. i'm getting weird.

"Away From Me"

I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved
And I

I've woken now to find myself
In the shadows of all I have created
I'm longing to be lost in you
(away from this place I have made)
Won't you take me away from me

Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become

Lost in a dying world I reach for something more
I have grown so weary of this lie I live

hmmm.. the weather over here these days are well, hot and hazy. sigh, the reason behind it is that there are open burnings going on in indonesia/sumatra and the winds blowing in over here. well, my theory is that now that its Euro 2004 footie season, everyone here is burning offerings to their respective god(s) so that they're team will win (in other words, the team they've betted large amounts of money on).. hehe

anyway, was just watching the news and our local MP said that there's nothing we can do about burning that goes on in a neighbouring countries - it all depends on the wind conditions, if its blowing the other way then we're lucky, if it blows our way, then too bad. *sigh* politicians are such intellectuals aren't they? they have such a systematic and logical way of explaining things.. x[

damn it. no matter how many times it happens i never seem to learn. *sigh* heh heh, now don't get so alarmed.. its nothing serious. its just that i was watching tv earlier and all of a sudden i had this wicked urge to eat junk food (i know what u must be thinkin.. HUH?), but after rummaging thru the kitchen and unsuccessful in locating any decent snacks, i decided to just well, not eat anything and just watch tv. but, my mom had to get me to move my car (which was blocking hers on the driveway) and that kinda got me outta the house and into my car and out to get myself a pack of my all time fave junkfood twistees BBQ. *yum*

at 1st i told myself that i'll just get a small pack cos from past experience the big one was just too much for me but somehow i always end up finishing it and feeling really sick after that. but needless to say i got the big pack (but vowed not to finish it) but for some reason (unknown to me) the empty pack of twistees now sits in the kitchen rubbish bin. how odd is that right? *Sigh* and i feel sick ... =(

when oh when will i ever learnnn.......?!

hmm, reading back i really feel my last post was so unlike me. maybe it has something to do with the self-destructive/mopping individual(s) i associate with.. hehe, u know who u are. =P

moving on to something a lil "happier", i across something hilarious on ebay. well, its not one of those idiots peddling their virginities on ebay, but its a playstation 2 (PS2) advert. what so funny about that i hear you ask? well, its the reason to why its being sold thats so damn funny. well, its actually a father who's selling his son's PS2 as a punishment (hehe). the reason for the punishment? well, it goes baseballs 3 strike principle:

strike 1 - kid had some frens over and drank dad's beer (6 bucks lost to dad)

strike 2 - kid broke dad's bugle that was supposed to be sold on ebay ($51 bucks)

strike 3 - kid drank dad's Dom Perignon champagne 1995 that was saved for that "special occasion" without permission. ($120 bucks)

hehehe.. kewl ad from a kewl dad. sigh, sometimes i wonder how will it be like to have kids. would i be kewl enough to just auction my son's prized possesion as a punishment or would i commit 1st degree murder? hmmm..

oh, if u still curious to see how the real ad's like, click here

have u ever felt a feeling of hopelessness so bad that it consumes you? or maybe a better word is helplessness? hmm.. lemme explain. when someone u really care about is really sad or depressed and there's nothing u can do or say to make that person feel better. the best u can do is be there for that person and say (at best) soothing that'd probably just bounce off them like tennis balls off a concrete wall - impact/connection is made, but no effect whatsoever.. *sigh* sucks doesn't it?

finally, after all that torture of horrible (but free =) ) movies, i finally watched a fairly decent movie: jackie chan's remake of the classic Around the World in 80 days. Although i have to admit that it wasn't my 1st choice, (actually went to the cinema wanting to catch The Day After Tomorrow, but it was already sold out), i'm glad that we ended up watching it cos it was pretty good. wait, i'd say after the last 3 movies its REALLY good. and besides, its been a long time since i saw a comedy that made me really laugh out loud til i started tearing in the eye. i know what u must be thinkin : chinaman jackie chan as Passepartout? hehe, wait til u get to know how he got to be a "frenchman" .. =). well, all i can say is i highly recommend this show (well, at least over the other three).

okay, anyway after the movie i went over to bangsar to have dinner with me family at la bodega to celebrate father's day. food was alright, as usual my sis order the paela (wonder if thats spelt right) - which is actually squid ink rice, hehe.. sounds gross right? well, it isnt half as bad as u think although i dont really enjoy it but she loves it. so .. anyway, i just ordered the tapas and had some bread and of cos: yummy sangria. i guess we limited ourselves to a jug so din get too wasted this time around. hehe. (the last time me n my sis had sangria at la bodega we had like 4 to 5 jugs of sangria and a few beers between the 2 of us.. needless to say we walked out pretty happy campers =) ).

then after dinner we stopped by this DVD shop at bangsar (ahem, i thought selling VCDs & DVDs were illegal? why are there 2 shops selling it right in front of the police station?! nevermind..) well, at least today we werent THAT bad, i actually bought an ORIGINAL DVD ok?! (wait, lemme explain) they were sellin the original LOTR trilogy extended versions plus extra interviews bla bla bla (atotal of 6 DVDs) for just 84 bucks (i think the regular unextended, no frills versions costs rm15 a piece), so why not right? besides, it comes in a damn nice box =). got some other movies like the 1st 2 potter movies (my bro wants to see) and some other shows my sis wanted - killbill i think.

well, thats my day and how i spent father's day. "HAPPY FATHERS DAY, DAD!" (not like he's gonna see this..)

the other day while waiting for the Harry Potter movie to start, i decided to do a lil shopping since G2000 was on sale. browsed thru the shelves and i came across this nice black reversible jacket - tried it on and it looked quite nice, and 30% off too. checked the size and it was M, so naturally wondered how a bigger one will look, so tried the only other one hanging there which was XL and was a lil too big so decided to go for the size M. told the sales guy to check if there was a new one and while waiting went over to the other shelf to pick out some long sleeve shirt for work. a few min later the salesguy comes back and tell me that was the last piece and since the jacket looked pretty okay, i decided to get it along with a few other shirts.

was pretty pleased with myself with such a good purchase ... til i got home and realised that the sales guy gave me the XL size instead of the M. *sigh* the worst part is there was a big stamp on the receipt stating "no exchange/refund for discounted items". DAMNIT!

fine, called them the next morning and explained the situation to them and surprisingly they were like no problem .. come change it. *phew* problem solved right? wrong, drove all the way to 1 utama (fm work at mvalley in rush hour) just to find out that the size M jacket did not exist (well, at least in the system) they hunted high and low and could not find it. they even checked the sales history and the only jacket sold was to me (a size XL). the only other jacket in the store was also a size XL. FUCK. got them to check the other stores too but most of them didnt even have any more of that jacket. DOUBLE FUCK.

so now i'm stuck with a jacket thats too big. the 30% discount just sounds plain stupid. who cares if it was free? cant wear it either right? crap.

hmm.. wats with the movie makers these days. i've watched like 3 movies over the past 2 weeks and all of them sucked. the worst part is 2 of them were pretty big movies. *sigh* well, the 1st one was punisher, (stop rolling ur eyes) the only reason why i watched it cos i got a pair of free tickets. incidently, the malay translation for "the punisher" was "PENYEKSA"! omigawd, wats up with that?! hehe.. for the benefit of non-bm speaking ppl, "penyeksa" is actually "the torturer" in english. however, after giving it some thought, i dont believe there is a bm word for punisher besides "tukang denda" which sounds just plain stupid. hehe.

okay, next movie was Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban. Lemme tell u i was so looking forward to this movie (as i've become some sorta potter fan off late). but when i watched it, boy was i dissapointed. i can pretty much guarantee u that a person who did not read the book will have problem following the story as they rushed thru the entire story without bothering to place emphasis on the important parts. the weirdest thing is that i always pictured dementors to be these BIG and imposing creatures who glides around but in the movie they were like shrunken ppl in tattered robes and could fly.. hehe. i just hope that they change the director for the next one ..

finally i watched The Chronicles of Riddick (i didnt have to pay for this one either). Full marks for effects but negative 1 million for story line. i just couldnt find a reason to tell a story like that.. it just didnt make sense. Okay, so i just found out that this show was actually a sequel to another movie called Pitch Black. So for the benefit of the makers of the show i sure hope that by watching the prequel, everything'd make sense - but i definitely do not think so.

anyway, all thats left to hope for this "summer" is spiderman 2. lets hope that its every bit as good as the 1st one. if that fails, i guess i will patiently wait for X3 (x-men 3).

i'm sure many of u out there sometime or another got a lil carried away at the dinner table and "demolished" way more than they could chew and regretted it like mad later on cos u 1. can't breathe and 2. probably can't walk away from the dinner table either.

well, if u love to eat but hate the feeling of being bloated later on, i've got the perfect solution for you.. quit smoking! (for u non-smokers- ermm, too bad, OR... alternatively u could pick up smokin for a couple of years, then quit - the choice is urs.. haha)

back to my rant - damnit, i just cant seem to get full these days. i mean i know i've had enough to eat, and that i've got more than enough food in my tummy already, but damn it i'll only be full for like 5 mins after i gobble down the last spoonful and after that i like ever ready for more.. sigh.

i know ppl said that ur appetite increases tremendously when u quit smokin, but hey .. i'm still on 1 stick a day and its glut-fest already? wat'll happen if i cut out completely?! geezzzz.. perish the thought.

maybe joinin a gym now wouldn't be such a dumb idea after all huh? *shrug*

in my last post i said that the cravings to have to stick was back with a vengeance right? hooo-boy.. its just gone downhill since then.

however, there is an upside to all this. everyone who has ever tried quitin smoking will testify that seeing someone else light up while "abstaining" is one of the hardest things to do - being able to see them enjoy it, being able to smell it .. touch it even (okay, i'm getting a lil carried away here) what i'm trying to say is that i'm pretty okay with everyone smoking around me (and i just realised it really is EVERYONE!!)

ah well, i'm still sticking to my 1 stick a day plan .. everything seems to be going fine. i wonder when will this cravings start to go away? will it ever? hmm.. maybe i should go check out some resources on the net on whether it ever will. or am i stuck suffering like this for all of eternity? *sigh* will keep u posted .. =(

Ramblings of a non-smoker (well, almost)

Well, here it is folks - I’ve finally decided to quit smoking. Rather, I’ve finally decided to take a serious attempt at quitting. After almost 10 years of being a chain-smokin freak, I’ve finally decided to take that leap into days of free of cough, chest pains and of course, fresh breath.

Okay, here’s the low-down on how it all started: I started having this chests pains (much like those after a day of heavy smoking) even after just taking one or two sticks in the morning. This was rather worrying and therefore I decided that maybe it was time to give it up – and that was jus the beginning of my troubles.

· note – author may have a tendency to ramble and construct disjointed sentences. Pls forgive him cos he’s like totally on nicotine withdrawal now and cant really think straight

anyway, the decision to quite was made about 2 weeks ago. However, I have yet to actually quit, but I’ve made a decision to like cut down drastically as a “prequel” to the actual quitting. My logic (as stupid as it sounds) is to avoid having to go thru the dreaded nicotine withdrawal crap (ie flu, fallin sick etc). contrary to wat most ppl think, quitting smoking after years of being a career smoker isn’t just as simple as not lighting up. One can actually fall really really ill from nicotine withdrawal. So back to my story, I decided that I didn’t want to go thru all that withdrawal crap, (and I didn’t wanna go thru the hassle of getting those quit-smoking aids cos its just too bloody expensive and too much of a hassle) so I decided that I’ll gradually phase out nicotine fm the body bit by bit, and eventually when my body is ready for it I’ll just cut it out completely. So what happened was over the last 2 wks I’ve been limiting myself to just one stick of Marlboro lights a day (well, there was that one day that I took 2, but it was only once n I felt really awful bout it after that =P ).

Ok, now on to the experience. In a nutshell .. it sucked. I hate not being able to smoke!!!! My chest hurt even more that when I was smoking and I’m in constant agony from the lack of nicotine. It got better after about a week as I found myself not thinking bout smoking anymore and was quite pleased to realize that I didn’t really want to smoke anymore. I was thoroughly please with myself and found myself thinking “now this isn’t that hard”. Boy oh boy, how wrong I was..

Now that I’m well into wk 2, the urge to smoke is back – with a vengeance. Even as I write this I’m dying for a fag – for the glorious smoke to fill my lungs and burn out whatever is in there. *sigh* why issit that everyone knows its bad for u but yet u want to do it .. ever so badly?!

There is a saying about quitting smoking that I heard somewhere before: no one can make u quit but urself .. no one. Well, having said that I want to quit. I really do .. cos I don’t wanna have to go thru the last 2 wks all over again in the future should I fail this time around, so wish me luck.. *sigh*